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“Shyness is most likely to occur during unfamiliar situations, though in severe cases it may hinder an individual in his or her most familiar situations and relationships as well. Shy individuals avoid the objects of their apprehension in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable and inept, thus the situations remain unfamiliar and the shyness perpetuates itself. Shyness may fade with time (a child who is shy toward strangers, for instance, may eventually lose this trait when older and more socially adept), or may be an integrated, life-long character trait. Humans experience shyness to different degrees and in different arenas. For example, an actor may be loud and bold on stage, but shy in an interview. In addition, shyness may manifest when one is in the company of certain people and completely disappear when with others—one may be outgoing with friends and family, but experience love-shyness toward potential partners, even if strangers are generally not an obstacle. The condition of trueshyness may simply involve the discomfort of difficulty in knowing what to say in social situations, or may include crippling physical manifestations of uneasiness. Shyness usually involves a combination of both symptoms, and may be quite devastating for thesufferer, in many cases leading them to feel that they are boring,exhibit bizzarre behaviour in an attempt to create interest, alienating them further.
Love shyness is a personality disorder caused partly by nature, partly by nurture (more, or exclusively, one than the other in some cases). The condition is characterised by a reluctance or nervousness, indeed a complete inability, for a male human to approach and engage in conversation a potential female partner. This type of shyness can best be termed "love-shyness", and it is the most painful and life-crippling of all kinds of shyness. Just as shyness in purely sociable situations is far more painful than shyness in impersonal business or performance situations, shyness with the opposite sex for virtually all of its victims is far more painful than any other kind of shyness. According to the best evidence at our disposal, love-shyness has a more disastrous impact upon the lives of its victims that any other kind of shyness. | The problem is suffered predominantly by men, since women have the advantage of being the passive party in courtship in courtship, as society has laid out the rules. This part of the site is drawn largely from Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin's Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment (University Press of America, Inc. 1987). Fully 300 love-shy males, ranging in age from 19 to 50, were extensively interviewed and studied for this book. Their lifestyles, personal histories and thought processes were carefully scrutinized and compared to those of 200 non-shy men. The spelling and punctuation of the text has been corrected, Americanisms and references to outdated science and psychic powers removed, to make the extracts less controversial reading. I have also updated the text where appropriate, in relation to computers, the internet, and similar technology. Since this selection is chosen to discuss the milder form of Love Shyness I believe I have (since I have developed and grown more confident in aspects of my life other than asking girls out) and therefore may not accurately describe more severe forms. The pages could be viewed in any order.
"During the past fifty years a tremendous number of books and magazine articles have been written about the so-called sexual revolution. However, virtually no attention at all has ever been accorded a class of people whom the sexual revolution has totally bypassed. This book will allow the reader to learn about a very fascinating segment of the population which can best be described as "love-shy." No, these are not homosexual men by a long shot. In fact, this book is devoted exclusively to men with very strong and very normal heterosexual urges. Indeed, it is devoted to men who would like nothing better than be able to marry and to have children, but who are not moving towards these goals because of severe bashfulness, shyness and social timidity. Love-shyness is a life-crippling condition. Victims of love-shyness cannot marry. They cannot have children, and they cannot participate in the normal adolescent and young adult activities of dating and courtship. The love-shy are often misperceived as "homosexual." And they are often made to pay the price for being "homosexual" without being accorded access to the rewards that go with a homosexual identity. Because love-shy people are not homosexual they cannot join up with any of the many "gay rights" organizations or homosexual support groups. As a socio-political force the love-shy can and should begin making themselves visible; they can begin now to make their needs known to the "powers that be." And, most importantly, they can begin their most basic human rights honored and their needs met. This book is intended for interested laypersons, therapists, and scholarly researchers. Love-shyness is a surprisingly fascinating topic. And I believe that a key reason for its inherent interest and fascination is that most people can learn a surprisingly great deal about themselves from studying the underlying causes of behavioral inhibitions. Love-shyness is a form of deviance. It is a form of behavioral nonconformity. Deviance(nonconformity) is the opposite side of the same coin as conformity and "normality." Of course, love-shyness is not a freely chosen form of behavioral nonconformity. And that is why the love-shy are often regarded as "sick," "neurotic," "unfriendly," etc. Freely selected nonconformist life-styles are usually quite healthy. Every society needs some amount of freely selected behavioral nonconformity. Without it a society would begin to stagnate. Nonconformists who deliberately and rationally choose their behavioral style often accord their society and local communities a great deal of useful "fresh air" and creativity. But for the love-shy free choice and self-determination are unknown and unsavored experiences. In short, the underlying roots of both personal and societal health can be better appreciated through a careful and systematic study of those persons who do not havesuch health, and who do not enjoy the free choice and self-determination which most of us take for granted each day. So if you want to understand how human beings come to be and feel "free," or if you simply want to help yourself or a loved one who may be suffering the throes of love-shyness, read on. I can guarantee you a host of new and useful insights both about yourself and about those who, despite their strong heterosexual/romantic needs, cannot obtain or experience the emotionally meaningful love and companionship of someone of the opposite sex."
-from the preface to Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment
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