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Enlightened Self-Control versus Shyness
Unfortunately, there are many influential people around who do not think love-shyness is a very
important problem. In fact, some
people even view shyness as a good thing.
For example, some view love-shyness as a kind of healthy yoke, tying
teenagers and young adults down to the everyday rigors of homework and study.
Some people even view love-shyness as a blessing
in disguise. They believe that if
love-shyness can help to keep young people serious about preparing well for
their futures, studying hard, and not getting prematurely pregnant, etc.,
then this "alleged problem" is really much more of an asset than a
liability. Particularly in today's increasingly free sexual atmosphere,
many parents and teachers wish that love-shyness would become a great deal
more commonplace than it is now. In essence, many people fear freedom
and choice. Indeed, many people believe that humanity
is not sufficiently evolved as yet for its members to be able to responsibly
handle very much freedom of choice--hence, the proliferation in the
popularity of very strict,
fundamentalist religious organizations. What such parents and teachers fail to
realize is that there is a very big
difference between enlightened
self-discipline and love-shyness. In fact, love-shyness is the very opposite of self-control. The shy person cannot make choices. The
shy person lacks the self-discipline and self control necessary for
commanding his/her performance in accordance with his/her internalized values
and wishes. Again, the shy person
lacks free choice and
self-determination. He or she is not in the driver's seat of his or
her own life. Simply put, declining to participate in certain kinds of heterosexual
activity because one deliberately and
rationally chooses not to
partake in them is perfectly healthy. The making of rational, well-planned
decisions is a healthy sign in any person or age group. Choosing to behave in accordance with one's
rationally internalized value system
is also a healthy sign. On the other hand, problems of a very serious nature inevitably arise
for those who do not feel that they
have any choice in the behavior that they pursue. This is certainly the case for the
love-shys who avoid many behaviors
not because they have chosen
to avoid them, but because the fear of
experiencing painful anxiety has effectively blocked them from making and pursuing rational choices about
their lives. It is certainly highly
desirable for a person to establish values
and goals. But for the severely
love-shy person, the retaining of
values and goals is often little more than an intellectual exercise.
Again, the love-shy person is incapable of behaving in accordance with
many of his own chosen values and goals because the mere thought of behaving in accordance with them arouses
excruciatingly painful feelings of
anxiety. This is why in dealing with shy people it is not possible to correctly infer
values and attitudes from observations of behavior. |
