Assertion
Phobia
Besides being "people-phobic", the love-shy appear to possess strong phobias regarding even the simplest forms of social assertiveness.
For example, consider this statement: "Lots of times when I am eating
among a group of people I do without salt because I haven't got the nerve to ask someone to pass me the salt shaker."
Zero percent of the non-shy men indicated "yes" to this
statement. Yet fully 37 percent of the younger love-shys and 58 percent of the
older love-shys would sooner do without
salt than ask someone to pass it.
This question regarding "the passing of the saltshaker"
illustrates as poignantly as anything the sheer social invisibility of the love-shy. A person can only
become visible and noticed to the
extent that he takes some social risks
and asserts himself. The love-shy had learned to sustain a self-imposed camouflage; the net result
of this is that whenever they are amidst a group of interacting persons they
are "invisible"--they are
there in body but not in spirit. And
this is reflected in the virtually universal
tendency among the love-shy to enter into a world of day-dreams whenever they are amongst a group of interacting
people--unless one of the people whom they are with makes the first move towards starting a conversation. Then and only
then does the love-shy person open up".
Asking for directions represents another example of this fear of self-assertion. I asked each
respondent to react to this statement: "I would have to drive many miles
out of my way before I would ever be able to get up enough nerve to ask someone
for directions." Fully 46 percent of the older love-shys together with 34
percent of the younger love-shys indicated that this was true for them. In
contrast, none of the non-shys revealed any inhibitions at all about
asking people for directions.
Self-Disclosure
Inhibitions
One of the
particularly difficult problems in helping the love-shy child is that of
getting him to "open up" about his problems, hopes, needs, wants,
aspirations and desires. Small children and teenagers who are shy are almost
always afflicted with an inability to
self-disclose. And very often they will
not disclose what they really
want and need, or what is really
bothering them unless and until they are accorded plenty of warm,
non-threatening encouragement and time, or a non-confrontational, anonymous forum for their expressions, such
as a blog or letter. In face to face confrontations, they must be able to trust
the person to whom they self-disclose, and they must feel free about
contacting the teacher, parent, counselor or therapist, at any time in the
future, be it by telephone, letter, or in person.
Many American school districts retain
just one or two clinical psychologists. And these very few persons are
expected to successfully trouble-shoot all of the emotionally disturbed
youngsters who surface throughout a district that services several thousand
pupils. Obviously this cannot be accomplished with any degree of
effectiveness without the input of a great deal more resources for the hiring
and retaining of trained people.
A 37-year old love-shy man shared this
poignant story with me about how he had been too shy to tell a school
psychologist what he
wanted to
tell her during his one visit with her.
"I remember
I was in the third grade, and one day I was sent in to
see the school
psychologist because I was regarded as different than
the other kids.
They seemed to think that I needed help. Anyway,
there were ten
different elementary schools in our district, and this
psychologist
only came by our school about once every two weeks
or so.
Well, I was
given the entire school day with this psychologist. I was
only about eight
years old at the time, and it was really interesting.
I mean she gave
me all these tests. Most of the tests were spoken,
so I didn't have
to write anything. And she seemed to be a very
nice person.
Well, at one
point she asked me to make a list of the three things I
most wanted in
all the world. I vividly remember this because she
also said that I
was definitely going to receive my number one wish.
I was just a
little kid, and I didn't know how she could be so goddam
certain. But I
remember her calmly saying that I'd better choose my
number one wish
with care because I was going to receive it--
whatever it was.
She said that she had helped all of the kids she
had seen get the
thing that they had listed as number one.
Well, I remember
this more vividly than most other things in my
childhood
because the only thing I could think of was a girl friend.
I knew I wanted
a girl friend more strongly than anything else in
the world. But I
just didn't have the nerve to tell her that! There
was this girl in
the other third grade class. Actually, she had been
in my second
grade classroom the year before. But now we had
different third
grade teachers. And what I really wanted was any-
thing that might
enable me to spend all my free time with her and
make her my best
friend.
Well, I remember
I was stone silent for what must have been five
minutes. It
seemed like ages. And she was really confused about it.
I mean I had
done a lot of talking up to that point. And I took all
her oral
intelligence tests without any problems like this developing.
She was really
confused.
Well, what
finally happened was that I said I'd tell her my second
and third wishes
first, and that I'd have to come back to wish number
one. Well, I
covered wishes number two and three rather fast. And
then I began
stalling again. This time instead of not saying anything
I started
elaborating on as many details as I could think of about my
second and third
wish. The funny thing is I couldn't tell you now
what my second
and third wishes were, even if my life depended
on it. All I can
remember is that I did a lot of talking about my second
and third wish
so that I would not have to talk about my first wish.
I was really
nervous and I wanted to bide myself some time. But I
really couldn't
think very easily because I was talking about some-
thing entirely
different from what I was trying to think about.
Well, finally I
just couldn't think of anything else to say. I couldn't
stall her
anymore, and I had to get to the first wish. Well, dammit,
I just didn't
have the nerve to tell her. So I finally told her that I
wanted a dog!
Actually I did want a dog, but that wasn't what I
really and truly
wanted more than anything else in the world. I
wanted a girl
friend. And I remember that for the rest of the school
year I went
through mental turmoil inside because I didn't have the
nerve to tell
her what I really wanted.
You know what?
Well, I don't think two weeks went by before my
father came home
one night with a standard poodle puppy! I know
neither of my
parents had especially wanted a dog. I think this school
psychologist
must have talked to them. Anyway, this psychologist's
prophecy was
fulfilled at my expense! I was delighted to have the
dog, but I would
have exchanged it in an instant for what I really
wanted. I didn't
get my real number one. To this day I keep won-
dering what
would have happened if I had told her what my real
number one
desire was!"
To this 37-year old man this incident
had long taken on a kind of occult, mystical significance. However, even if
the psychologist had been unable to get him the specific girl friend who he
so dearly craved, she should have at least been made aware of what had truly
been on his mind. She should have been made aware of what his strongest
desire actually was. For without this information there was
really no chance of her ever truly
helping him in a whole host of other ways--including the ways which had been
of pertinence to the reasons for his having been sent by his third grade
teacher to see a school psychologist in the first place.
In cases similar to this one the child
needs to be accorded regular access to a trained psychologist. Moreover, the
child needs to be shown various alternative ways for getting his information across, if he is too shy to say it all
out loud. In the above instance the child had become able to explain his true
feelings and wishes upon actually receiving the dog. In fact, to listen to
him today he may have even been ready on the very next day of school--if the psychologist had been there
the next day ready to listen to him.
In sum, troubled youngsters need to
have regular access to friendly, non-threatening clinical staff. In addition
to this regular access, they also need to be supplied with alternative means
for relaying important information to therapeutic staff. Again, letter
writing is an important alternative means of contact. Another might be
in-depth hypnosis. Generally speaking, most children are far more hypnotizable
than adults. And this is a fact that should be constructively capitalized
upon.
Not
having the nerve to talk about strong heterosexual love needs and desires
is a condition that often persists among love-shy males well into
adolescence, and sometimes even into adulthood. It is a problem which can and
often does prove quite costly to
parents who may be operating under the illusion that conventional psychiatric treatment will work to turn a love-shy
son into someone who behaves in a "normal" and socially desirable
fashion. The self-disclosure reticence that prevails among the love-shy often
wrecks havoc upon parents and
relatives in addition to the
victims themselves. The following case interview well illustrates this point.
"I remember
back in 1953 I was a sophomore in high school. And I
wasn't doing
very well. My parents were always being called in
because I wasn't
performing up to what was thought to be my
intelligence and
ability. And I was always acting up. Like, the kids
would constantly
bully and tease me all the time. And the way I
dealt with that
was to play the clown. In fact, I think I was even
better than
Jerry Lewis. Jerry Lewis was my role model at that time.
And I was even
more 'far out' in real life than he was on stage.
Anyway, the real
reason I wasn't doing well academically was that
I just couldn't
stop myself from daydreaming all the time about this
girl who I was
in love with. She didn't even know I existed. But
from the moment
I got up in the morning until I went to bed at
night all I
could do was dream about all kinds of beautiful stories
involving me and
her. I would be in class. But I just couldn't keep
my mind on
anything the teacher would be saying. And when I
tried to read a
textbook I would hold the book open and look at it
with my physical
eyes. But my real eyes were off with my beloved
girl whom I
desperately wished I could have. Sometimes I would
have the book
open to the same page for an hour or more. Sometimes
I would even get
headaches because my physical eyes would get
tired looking at
the print while I personally was not actually reading
the print.
Anyway, the
principal convinced my father to take me to this psy-
chiatrist. I
remember she charged my father $20 per visit. That was
a lot of money
in those days. And I knew my father wasn't rich.
Like, he didn't
make all that much money. And I began to feel worse
and worse about
it because I began to recognize that psychiatry was
really bullshit.
Like when I first went to see this doctor I thought
she was going to
do something to me. But after I completed the
initial battery
of tests, all there ever was was talk. And during most
of the sessions
there were these prolonged silences. Sometimes we
would just sit
there and stare at each other for twenty whole minutes
or more before
anybody said anything. And it was still $20 a meeting.
The thing that
really upset me the most about all of this was that I
really wanted to
tell her about my daydreams. I mean I really wanted
to tell her
about how I longed to have a real live girlfriend whom I
could love, and
how all I ever thought about was this girl. Well, 1
went to see this
woman every week for almost two whole years.
And in all that
time I never really had the nerve to tell her what I
was really
like--like what was really going on in my mind all the
time. Of course,
she would keep telling me that I would talk when
I became ready.
Well, after two years I still didn't have the nerve.
And when the
principal told my father that all of this didn't seem
to be doing any
good, he finally let me stop seeing this psychiatrist.
Of course, since
then I've had fifteen years of psychotherapy with
several
different psychiatrists who did know about my need for a
girlfriend. So I
guess it probably wouldn't have done any good
anyway if my
first psychiatrist had known about it." (46-year old
love-shy man.)
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